Saturday 22 March 2014

How To Dye Your Hair At Home

  1. Go to the store and look at all the boxes of hair dye. There are approximately 300 different types, but none of them are quite the right shade. 
  2. Pick the second cheapest brand in the closest colour to the right one (it will be on sale three days after you dye your hair. Swallow your anger and buy two boxes. Future you will thank you for it). 
  3. Go into your bathroom and take off all your clothes. Line the sink with newspaper, a plastic bag or the hair dye instructions, and mix part A with part B or whatever it is the instructions say. 
  4. Why is your hair the wrong colour anyway? This is dumb. 
  5. Starting from the roots, apply the mixture to your hair. 
  6. Did you take off your glasses? Hair dye can stain glasses. 
  7. Remember you should have done a patch test to check for allergies. Remember what that hairdresser on Reddit said about how nasty allergies can be, and how the likelihood of them increases each time you dye your hair. 
  8. Panic a bit. Text your best friend casually, "Just dying my hair lol!" and try to monitor your own pulse. 
  9. After 10 minutes, or whatever it is the sheet says, apply the rest of the dye to your hair. Reset the timer on your phone. 
  10. Remember hair dye stains your skin and scrub your face frantically. 
  11. How long was it meant to be? You can't see the sheet without your glasses. Put your glasses back on. Now you have a set of hair dye glasses for next time. 
  12. Hair dye smells nasty. 
  13. Your hair dye towel is at the back of the linen cupboard. Take all the stained things out of the sink, and try and stuff them in the hair dye box (they don't really fit, but close enough). 
  14. Wash your hands and grab that towel. The alarm on your phone's going off. 
  15. In the shower, wet your hair and lather your hair until foamy. Rinse. 
  16. Jesus, it looks like a murder scene in here. 
  17. Keep rinsing. 
  18. You should have checked the water pressure before you moved in. 
  19. After rinsing until the water runs clear/15 minutes, rub in a generous dollop of the special conditioner that comes with the hair dye. It's really good. Why can't you buy it by itself? 
  20. Try and kick all the bloody-looking hair dye water down the drain. Stupid shower. 
  21. Hang out until you're too bored you can't stand it/5 minutes, and rinse your hair. 
  22. Remember that hot water strips hair dye, but you're already out of the shower. 
  23. Your hair's wet so it looks black all over. Panic. 
  24. Rub hair oil through your hair, and comb gently. It feels really soft, but that's just the conditioner. It's brittle and weak. 
  25. Sleep with a towel over your pillow. Stain something anyway. 
  26. Your hair smells nasty for three days and the colour's not quite right. 
  27. Repeat every five weeks for the rest of your life. 


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